Friends & Family

I have heard some people say that they felt “ghosted” by their friends when they received cancer diagnoses. They say that their friends did not know what to say, or how to support them, or just didn’t want to be weighed down. I hate that anyone feels that way because my friends and family - THEY SHOWED UP. One of the texts I received the day I let the first few know was “you don’t do this alone.” It wasn’t a question or a consoling word, it was a promise-one that was kept. I have always known how lucky I am to have such a wonderful and supportive family, and have long known that my group of friends is special, but this year, my circle showed me just how fortunate I am to have them. There was not a  week that went by from the day I broke the news that I didn’t hear from someone checking in. My girlfriends took my hair and boobs out for one last dinner before I started treatment. Gifts, flowers, gift cards and encouraging notes came flooding in. I am an incredibly independent (stubborn) person, so it is hard for me to let people help, but here’s the thing- people just want to love you. And man, I have felt so loved. If you want some ideas of how to support someone you love who is going through a hard time, here are some of the things my people did for me: 

First and foremost- THEY WERE NORMAL. My friends knew I did not want to be pitied, or treated with kid gloves. We made jokes and laughed because that is how we always are together. I’m still the same person (just with better boobs, now).

Gifts

When I was first diagnosed, I received cards and flowers, blankets, journals, candles and other little happies, all of which were a boost to my spirit. Once we had my treatment plan set, my sister, having done some research on “must haves” for chemotherapy, surgery and radiation reached out to my close friends with an Amazon list of those things. Haley said to me “I’m going to do this. I’m not really asking, but I want you to know. People want a way to help you and this will ensure you receive useful gifts.” I got all sorts of useful things, including zip front bras, a wedge pillow, Aquaphor, Liquid IV, ginger candies, Biotene or TheraBreath mouthwash (for dry mouth), seatbelt pillow, lotion, and a robe. I’m a big reader, so my friends also made sure I was loaded up with gift cards to Barnes & Noble. Two of my friends went in and got me a bag to use for chemo days and filled it with the best things- a Barefoot Dreams blanket, a makeup case, fancy lotion, bath salts, pens and a journal. I was somewhat resistant to the idea of asking for gifts, but everything I received was so helpful, and made me feel so supported and loved.

Meals

My friends set up a meal train without telling me when I was about to have surgery because they knew I would probably say “oh, I’m fine.” Every day after surgery for a week, I had a meal delivered to my house and the meals were hand-picked by my kids because they had asked my kids what they wanted. It was perfect. I also received several gift cards for DoorDash and Uber Eats, which are so helpful after surgery or with teen and tween boys in general.

Texts

As I mentioned, I received regular check-ins from friends. I think sometimes, people think they don’t know what to say. If you find yourself wanting to reach out to a friend, just do it. “How are you feeling?” “When is your next appointment?” “Praying for you.” Thinking of you.” “What’s next?” “When is next treatment?” I never felt like I didn’t want to hear from someone, or like it was a bother to respond. Again, I just felt so supported.

I will never be able to thank my group enough for the love and support they showed me. I know how fortunate I am to have them, and I will be grateful for their friendship every day of my life.

If you are reading this, and a day comes where a friend or loved one is facing something scary and hard, show up for them. I know that I will forever pay this debt of gratitude forward.

To my friends and family, you all know who you are. I love you. Thank you for meeting me where I was, and for walking with me the whole way through.